“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (