You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
LOOOOOOL
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.