wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
You Might Also Like
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.