Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
You sure about that?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji