Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.