I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You Might Also Like
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No