Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.