if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler