[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF