I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.