[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Important
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE