I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.