Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.