if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
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“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The honesty is refreshing
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
do u think theres a butter planet?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.