*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.