Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this