If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks