I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.