WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.