If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
This will never not be funny to me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.