[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You Might Also Like
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
#TopTip
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Go hard or stay average
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.