Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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Bootstraps
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Great game to play with friends
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
6. me as a lawyer
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)