[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings