Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
me before I type out affect or effect
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying