Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
You Might Also Like
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
looks legit
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.