living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.