I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.