thanksgiving should be called feaster
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.