DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
“no gods no masters” = leo
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?