I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
A dad and his duck
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.