My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
What about second breakfast?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously