If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Oh. My. God.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind