*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
You Might Also Like
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads