These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.