On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.