Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.