My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.