Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
No, I don’t think I will.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?