Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Admin smashed it 😂
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.