There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
this makes me so uncomfortable
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Facebook marketplace is a different world