[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Woke up against my better judgement again
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.