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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it