Ummm
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
my favorite genre of twitter
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Van Gone
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
broke down and did it
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.