If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
bout dat hot dog summer
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…