All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.