me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission