My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what