Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
#polloftheday
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
What even happened today?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.