Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro