Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.